The Beauty of Brokenness

I’m dreaming again! It’s been a while since I have slept for long periods.

I haven’t dreamt in a really long time. Selah is consistently sleeping through the night now and has been for a couple of weeks. I feel like a new person. The happy, chipper girl I once was, is back to stay….for now! ;)

To all you moms or moms to be who can’t remember what day it is, haven’t showered, or slept since you brought your baby home, it really does get better! People told me that and I didn’t believe them…but believe me, it really does.

Over the years, the Lord has taught me so much through my dreams. He has taught me about what’s going on in my heart, what He’s doing or wants to do in my life, things that need to get out of my heart, or issues I’ve buried so deep and have refused to deal with. Don’t get me wrong, I have those mornings I wake up and try to remember what I ate last night because the dream was so weird! But then there are those times, I wake up, mostly right after, and ask the Spirit what He is trying to tell me. Last night I had one of those. I’m kind of nervous sharing it, because it is so personal, but I can’t shake it, and know of so many women who can identify with me and need to hear this today.

I’ll try my best to explain this… you know how dreams are. So it was me, my best friend, Kari Jobe, (I promise it wasn’t the pizza!), and her husband. I know she isn’t married…but stay with me. It was almost like I was her, but I wasn’t. You know what I mean?

I could feel her exact emotions from the inside, but I was watching this take place from the outside. Apparently in my dream, Kari Jobe had been trying to get pregnant for a while and she really wanted to be a mom.

Long story short, I was there with her when she found out she finally was pregnant. I was so very happy for her! I hugged her and rejoiced with her. We were jumping up and down and so thrilled that God had answered her prayer for a child. Then her “husband” looked at me after she left, and with the kindest eyes and most sincere heart ask me if I was “okay.” And it was like someone broke the dam of my heart. I was completely broken. My heart ached so badly for what could have been. The death of this “infertility.” The brokenness of my body AND my heart. The grief almost overtook me. It was so bad, I woke myself up from the dream crying. And that was it. The end.

Very encouraging, huh? Now, I have friends who are very prophetic and could probably more clearly articulate to me what is going on inside this heart of mine. But it doesn’t take Einstein or Heidi Baker to discover that adoption does not take the place of infertility. And as much as I want that part of my life to be over, to never think of it again, or better yet never feel those feelings another day in my life, that is not true. The fact is, it doesn’t go away. This is my “thorn,” my consistent reason to need Jesus. Don’t get me wrong, Selah Grace is the absolute BEST blessing to me apart from my salvation and Brandon. She is God’s faithfulness in the flesh. She is His “better” for us and the story she already has is one that only He can write. But having her doesn’t change the fact that my body is broken and doesn’t work the way God intended it to work.

Now the whole Kari Jobe thing, the only thing I can conclude from her being in my dream is that I listened to her music every day during our infertility storm. Her music is so full of Truth and I needed that Truth to drown out all the lies I was constantly hearing from the enemy. But the overall theme of my dream was the brokenness. Let’s think on this.

Our bodies are constantly dying. And as hard as we all try to put on sunscreen, lather up in creams at night, eat well, exercise, and get our sleep, our bodies are dying. They are broken. But although my physical body is wasting away, my spirit has never been more alive. “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.” 2 Corinthians 4:16

I woke up so burdened for my friends who struggle with infertility this morning. My heart literally breaks for those right in the midst of the pain. It is a physical, medical problem and adopting isn’t a second best or last resort. We still had many other avenues we could have chosen to take to start a family, but God called us to adoption. How can anyone look at our little girl’s sweet face and think that she could EVER be a second choice? We could not have made a more beautiful child!

So please don’t say, “I’m waiting for you to get pregnant.” Or, “just watch, now you’ll get pregnant.” We can’t get pregnant now because, “we’re just not thinking about it, or we’re not stressing out.” The truth is our bodies are broken, just like yours, but in a different way. Stressing out or not stressing out will not “get us pregnant.” Not only would this make Selah one day feel as if she was a second best, but it just doesn’t work like that. The only way people get pregnant after adoption or infertility, is because God performed a miracle like He does every time He makes a baby. And if God chooses to do that in our family we will be thankful, but He hasn't and we can not be more thankful for the journey He has led us on.

Infertility, for some reason, seems to announce shame. When really there is nothing shameful about it. The hard truth about this is, that we are all “wasting away.” Whether you are fertile or infertile, sick or healthy, young or old, we all are outwardly dying.

Don’t get depressed just yet….because the next verse in that chapter says this, “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not for the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4: 17-18 I would encourage you to go back and read the whole chapter in context. So beautiful!

Are you crying yet? I am! Because for us, fertility could never produce in our hearts what infertility has. Yours might be different, you might be able to get pregnant easy, but there is something in your life that is just as broken and makes you need Jesus just the same.  And if you are journeying through infertility, lean into it. Don't resist what God wants to do in your heart and through your story. So girls, empty or full wombs, “steady your heart!” This brokenness we are experiencing for this short time is preparing something for us beyond all we could ever comprehend. So go be alive today, sweet friend, because if you are in Christ, you are!

Kari Jobe- "Steady My Heart"