They say it's different with the second baby.
You know those diaper commercials where the first-time mom has the sanitary wipes and instantly attacks the fallen, dirty paci? Then, the second baby comes, and she sticks the germy paci in her mouth to "clean" it.
Although I don't have two quite yet, I do know it has been different so far. With Selah, I had tons of time in my
, to dream of the perfect nursery. I had everything picked out ahead of time, so as soon as we were matched with our birth mom, and knew boy or girl, we could be ready. Just last weekend, only a few weeks out, are we now prepared to bring a baby home. And this just means the car seat is ready, and his clothes and bottles are washed. His room...it's coming along...slowly.
This time, I have a one year old that takes up all of my time. And how I do love her! As I am typing this, I hear the familiar voice of Mickey echoing throughout this room. Along with that blasted hot dog song. I have given up on my clean floors. She is currently smashing carrots between her little fingers and throwing the remnants in the floor. Our dog, Bella, is overjoyed.
And we had our home study today.
As I breathe a sigh of relief that it's over, I can't help but compare.
This was our floor today as our worker
chatted with us. Messy. With toys everywhere. She wasn't aware, but she was sitting on mounds of puffs and/or cheerios that were stuffed under her couch cushion. Brandon made the bed, because he was the last one out of it this morning. And let's just say...he doesn't make the bed often. But hey, he did it! When she walked in my sewing/craft room I begged her not to write in the report about how messy the table appeared. The dog decided to take a crap upstairs right before she came, and we realized it as she opened the door to the room. Brandon gave me the "you're kidding me" look, and we quickly escorted her out of that room to another. Thankfully, as if on cue, Selah did something cute (which she does often) and it distracted her.
Let's just say, compared to the "
" home study for Selah's adoption, this one was much different. If it wasn't for my mom, my house wouldn't have been clean at all! For that, I am super thankful. Thanks, Mom!
Although this one wasn't as technical as the home study we had last summer before
, those feelings are just the same.
Intrusive. Invaded. Vulnerable.
She talked with us about all of our bank accounts, jobs, marriage, life insurance policies, our will, childcare, our childhoods, family history, our family's feeling on our adoptions, and our parenting. While I understand completely the seriousness of making sure we are fit parents, when you are on this side (the parent side) of the equation, it just isn't bunnies and roses. We had to prove, once again, that we would be good parents. We had to prove, we ARE good parents.
I grew up with a very legalistic understanding of the gospel. For years, I tried to prove my worthiness. If I controlled my thoughts, I would be pure enough. If I had my "quiet time" every day, I would be holy enough. If I was involved in EVERY single activity the church had to offer, I would be considered a servant enough. If I did all of these, along with an additional exhausting list, I would prove myself worthy of Him.
The God, the One who romances me into a covenant relationship, rescued me from my list of laws. The Beautiful One, who
, exploded out of the box I put Him in. When I locked eyes with this tender, grace upon grace, God, my whole world changed.
There are still days, when I need Him to so gently remind me that I am enough.
Not because of me, but because of Jesus.
This week, this Holy Week, leaves me at the end of this second-baby home study, feeling free.
I may have needed to prove to our sweet worker that we are good parents, our home is a safe place to grow, and our family is ready for another little soul.
But I am free, this Wednesday before Resurrection Sunday, proving nothing to the Father. Jesus proved He was enough for me. And because of Him, I am now enough.
I don't HAVE to have my "quiet time" everyday. I don't HAVE to say "yes" to every serving opportunity. I don't HAVE to do anything to prove that I am enough, because Jesus already said I am.
I can't wait for the time of day when I GET to spend time with My Favorite on
. I GET the opportunity to serve others out of the overflow of what God has done for me. I GET to rest in what Jesus has done for me at the Cross.
Sweet sister, stop striving.
Quit proving yourself.
If you are in Christ, you are enough.
Because He looks at the Father on your behalf, and says you are.