Surviving Sarah Podcast: Episode 14

My last post, I told the story of how God asked me to "close the door, take time to heal, and fall in love." Over the past few months, I haven't been writing as frequently, but have been invited to do some pretty cool things. Last week I was asked to speak at a large ladies event in my hometown. It was an honor to be asked, but even more an honor to be able to talk about my Dad all night. I was able to meet some of you who follow along with me through the valleys and mountain tops of our story.

I often sit behind this computer and type my heart out to you. It's honestly scary some days, and it's not often that I am able to see where my words land. But that night, to be able to wrap my arms around some of your necks, see your sweet faces, and the eyes that read these words, was such a blessing. I can't thank you enough for following along. And it brings such joy to my heart when I am able to hear what Father is doing in your hearts and in your sweet families.

I was also able to be on a friend's podcast recently. I met Sarah Bragg at

Allume

last October. I saw her walking up to my table and thought, "Gosh, she's so cute!" She just sat right down, introduced herself to me, and it felt as if we had been friends for years. She is an amazing mom, beautiful writer, and home girl knows how to dress! She has written a book for middle school girls, and has spoken all over the country. After talking with her, I knew her heart beats for the Kingdom. And that is exactly the kind of friends I want to have!

God called her that weekend to start a podcast. And she's one of those people that decides to do something, and just does it! Her podcast is amazing! I get so excited every Tuesday, because I know her next episode will be sitting in my inbox. You need to go to ITunes, search for her podcast, Surviving Sarah, and then subscribe! Follow along on her blog too! I promise you won't regret it!

I was so honored when she asked me to join her for Episode 14. We talked about everything from our love of coffee, to books I'm reading, and the hard that has filled my last few months with our sweet boy. I shared our whole journey through infertility and the sweet moment I held Selah for the first time. So if you're new around here, it will be a great way for you to get caught up with our little story. But also, how awesome is it to hear someone's voice?! Even though when people call me on the phone, they ask to speak to my mom. Wow. Anyways...

You can listen in to our conversation here:

http://www.survivingsarah.com/blog/episode-14-jessica-satter

I'm breathing in His beauty today.The sun is shining over here, friends! And if it isn't where you are, He is still working in your waiting, and making beauty from all of those ashes! So lift your face, sweet girl!

All my love,

Jessica

The Healing Garden

I had been up for a solid 72 hours.

The previous week, I had only slept at most for two hours at a time. During our fourth hospital stay, they sent my three month old home with a NG tube (a temporary feeding tube, the one that goes down the nose). Long story short, it was nerve racking, I was learning how to use a pump to feed him, and he hated it. I was missing work, frantically calling every person I knew, trying to get us in with Pediatric Surgery in hopes of getting a permanent G Tube placed so my child could survive.

It was our fifth hospital stay in three months. And I was scared, exhausted, and feeling helpless. My back ached from sleeping another night on a terrible excuse of a couch. My neck was sore from the maxi pad pillows that creak louder than the couch. But more than anything my heart ached for my baby.

He hadn't eaten in over 38 hours.

His IV came out.

They tried several times to stick him. Because of that, we weren't sure if he was getting pain meds from the G Tube surgery the morning before. He was uncomfortable and hungry. They kept telling me he was getting what he needed from the IV. And yes, he wasn't dehydrated, but nothing had filled his little belly for over two days. They only way he would not cry was if my husband or I would hold him. That made sleep for us even more impossible. And to make matters worse, although they were only doing their job, every single time we would FINALLY get him to sleep, a nurse would come in to take his blood pressure or temperature. And the whole ordeal started again.

It was the longest night ever.

But really, it was a compilation of three long months of no sleep, mothering a very sick child, and fighting with every ounce of energy in me to get him what he needed to live. I was slowly watching my child starve to death right in front of my eyes.

The daytime nurse waltzed in, bright eyed and bushy tailed ready for the day. I was secretly jealous of her rested and put together appearance. Being that I was still in the clothes from the day before, and for the past week, I had seen nothing but yoga pants and messy buns.

The specified time that he had to wait to eat after surgery had come and gone, and my legs couldn't bounce him anymore. Between shift changes, they were behind in giving him meds, and at that point, I was crying with him. I told her how we were past the time he needed to wait to eat after surgery, begged for her to get orders from the doctor to feed him, and to bring him pain meds as soon as possible.

Not knowing the night we had endured, or the previous months of fighting for this baby, she asked me if I needed to take a walk in the "Healing Garden" to clear my head. Apparently I had gone crazy at this point, if she thought I needed a little stroll.

Um, ma'am, no.

What I need, is sleep, for my baby to eat, and get his meds. The "Healing Garden" was the last thing I needed. I started to cry, like ugly cry, and I think she realized that wasn't the best suggestion. She was perfect the rest of the day in getting us what we needed.

I constantly am walking through different seasons with the Lord. The one we just came through was really hard. It was all I could do to make sure we were just surviving each day. But in the end, God was once again faithful. My baby is being fed through his G Tube, we have lots of therapy in hopes that one day he won't need the tube, and he is growing and gaining weight. I have never been more thankful to buy bigger clothes and diapers.

Although our circumstances change with different seasons, really this

whole journey

with the Lord is a walk of healing. In the words of a dear friend, "sanctification is beautiful, but so painful..."

I find myself once again,

praying for healing

. And this time, the "Healing Garden," is exactly what I need.

I have been working through some pretty heavy heart stuff, and it's so hard. It hurts. It makes me angry. And I just want to be over it. Sometimes I move too quickly from things, and Papa brings me back to them and says, "Stay here a while. Let's really work this out. And as we do, I'll make the garden of your heart bloom and grow until there leaves no trace of what held deep roots before."

But I don't like that. It takes too much time and too much energy that I feel I already don't have. It's uncomfortable to say the least. But when I unlock that garden gate, and allow Him to come in, I find Him there in the garden of my heart. Tenderly pulling out ugly roots, and planting new seeds. It's another opportunity for me to know Him. And really, although He knows every part of me, it allows me the opportunity to let Him.

The other night, I sat in the corner of my closet, and asked Him why He hadn't healed that part of my heart yet. I've been asking Him for some time now. After a good cry, and my husband praying over me, I closed my eyes for the night and trusted He saw me there, crying in my closet earlier. He gave me a dream that night, and in the events of the dream said to me, "I am not a God who loves you and leaves you. I am not finished with you. I will come to you."

Photo by

Rachel Ackerman Photography

He will come to you, dear sister. He isn't finished with you. And although opening the gate to Him in your healing garden is so hard, and extremely painful, He will not love you and leave you. He will meet you there, in tenderness, on His knees, lovingly working through the old and replacing it with new.

I'm not sure what's in your garden, but I know just like me, you have one.

And I'm praying that He will give you and me grace, even now, to invite Him in.

“Come, let us

return to the

Lord

;

for

he has torn us, that he may heal us;

he has struck us down, and

he will bind us up."

Hosea 6:1 ESV