Another Home Study...

They say it's different with the second baby.

You know those diaper commercials where the first-time mom has the sanitary wipes and instantly attacks the fallen, dirty paci? Then, the second baby comes, and she sticks the germy paci in her mouth to "clean" it.

Although I don't have two quite yet, I do know it has been different so far. With Selah, I had tons of time in my

waiting for her

, to dream of the perfect nursery. I had everything picked out ahead of time, so as soon as we were matched with our birth mom, and knew boy or girl, we could be ready. Just last weekend, only a few weeks out, are we now prepared to bring a baby home. And this just means the car seat is ready, and his clothes and bottles are washed. His room...it's coming along...slowly.

This time, I have a one year old that takes up all of my time. And how I do love her! As I am typing this, I hear the familiar voice of Mickey echoing throughout this room. Along with that blasted hot dog song. I have given up on my clean floors. She is currently smashing carrots between her little fingers and throwing the remnants in the floor. Our dog, Bella, is overjoyed.

And we had our home study today.

As I breathe a sigh of relief that it's over, I can't help but compare.

This was our floor today as our worker

grilled

chatted with us. Messy. With toys everywhere. She wasn't aware, but she was sitting on mounds of puffs and/or cheerios that were stuffed under her couch cushion. Brandon made the bed, because he was the last one out of it this morning. And let's just say...he doesn't make the bed often. But hey, he did it! When she walked in my sewing/craft room I begged her not to write in the report about how messy the table appeared. The dog decided to take a crap upstairs right before she came, and we realized it as she opened the door to the room. Brandon gave me the "you're kidding me" look, and we quickly escorted her out of that room to another. Thankfully, as if on cue, Selah did something cute (which she does often) and it distracted her.

Let's just say, compared to the "

you can eat off my floors

" home study for Selah's adoption, this one was much different. If it wasn't for my mom, my house wouldn't have been clean at all! For that, I am super thankful. Thanks, Mom!

Although this one wasn't as technical as the home study we had last summer before

our failed adoption

, those feelings are just the same.

Intrusive. Invaded. Vulnerable.

She talked with us about all of our bank accounts, jobs, marriage, life insurance policies, our will, childcare, our childhoods, family history, our family's feeling on our adoptions, and our parenting. While I understand completely the seriousness of making sure we are fit parents, when you are on this side (the parent side) of the equation, it just isn't bunnies and roses. We had to prove, once again, that we would be good parents. We had to prove, we ARE good parents.

I grew up with a very legalistic understanding of the gospel. For years, I tried to prove my worthiness. If I controlled my thoughts, I would be pure enough. If I had my "quiet time" every day, I would be holy enough. If I was involved in EVERY single activity the church had to offer, I would be considered a servant enough. If I did all of these, along with an additional exhausting list, I would prove myself worthy of Him.

The God, the One who romances me into a covenant relationship, rescued me from my list of laws. The Beautiful One, who

dances with me in fields

, exploded out of the box I put Him in. When I locked eyes with this tender, grace upon grace, God, my whole world changed.

But...

There are still days, when I need Him to so gently remind me that I am enough.

Not because of me, but because of Jesus.

This week, this Holy Week, leaves me at the end of this second-baby home study, feeling free.

I may have needed to prove to our sweet worker that we are good parents, our home is a safe place to grow, and our family is ready for another little soul.

But I am free, this Wednesday before Resurrection Sunday, proving nothing to the Father. Jesus proved He was enough for me. And because of Him, I am now enough.

I don't HAVE to have my "quiet time" everyday. I don't HAVE to say "yes" to every serving opportunity. I don't HAVE to do anything to prove that I am enough, because Jesus already said I am.

I can't wait for the time of day when I GET to spend time with My Favorite on

the white couch

. I GET the opportunity to serve others out of the overflow of what God has done for me. I GET to rest in what Jesus has done for me at the Cross.

Sweet sister, stop striving.

Quit proving yourself.

If you are in Christ, you are enough.

Because He looks at the Father on your behalf, and says you are.

Lost in the List

It's 3:15 and I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep.

Lately, I've found myself getting lost in my list. 

I am constantly keeping a list of things I need to do. People I need to email. Things I need to grab. Projects that have to be done. I make a sticky note every day of the most important things to do. And it seems every day the list never gets finished. 

It's exhausting

. And very frustrating. 

And the enemy knows this about me. I slowly start to believe the lies he whispers, "You're not good enough. Everyone else has it together. You're missing out on something better." 

As I was laying here, reminding myself of Who God is in this midst of the craziness and expectations that will start in two short hours, I realized that He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. (Colossians 1:17)

He sees my pathetic efforts of looking to Him. And that is enough, it's all He wants from me.

Because lately I've found myself checking things off my list, instead of loving the faces in them.

It's easy to rush around to get things done, but forget why I'm doing it. 

This. All of this is for Him. And it doesn't matter how many things are finished if it isn't. 

Because He is before. He is before my list and all the things I have to do. He is before the precious family I love so much and serve. He is before the

birth mom

I treasure and son that I can't wait to meet. He is before all of the paperwork and hoops we have to jump through to bring him home. He is before the women I want so badly to love on and reach out to. He is before it all. And it's all for Him. 

And right now, at 3:30, as I am very exhausted and overwhelmed, He is holding all of my life together. Everything that I feel is out of control, He is perfectly sovereign over. 

And y'all, He sees me. Even in my complete failure in this whole list thing, He enjoys me. Delights in me, even. He thinks I'm great and He really likes me. The real overwhelming thing here, is His grace. 

So today, when I wake up in two short hours, I'm choosing to see faces on my list. I'm going to be more overwhelmed with His grace than the things I have to get done. And I'm going to rest knowing that He's holding it all together. 

I'm praying that for you today too, my sweet friend. 

Sweet Baby Satterfield

The details of our adoption…..well, at least what we know.

J

We are adopting through Bethany Christian Services. We are adopting an infant (it will be a Satterfield coming home from the hospital) domestically, anywhere in the United States. We are not yet sure of the race or gender. After our home study is complete (hopefully around the end of June), we will know more details.

Adoption is a HUGE financial obligation and we are literally jumping out in faith. We know that God has called us to this, and we trust He will provide the means to bring our baby home. He has already been so very faithful! Many people wonder why it is so expensive to adopt a child who has nothing or no one. This was our first thought too. The main costs are legal fees such as paying an attorney, getting our paperwork through DSS, and background checks, ect. However, there are also fees for the agency, and the birth mother. The total cost for our adoption will be around 22,000. Because of the sweet couple in our group, our goal is to raise 10,000-12,000 dollars to cover the cost.

If you would really like to bring baby Satterfield home, there are four ways you can help!

  • The most important thing you can do for us is PRAY! So many things have to happen perfectly for this baby to be in our forever family, from the PILES of paperwork, financial obligations, home study, to meetings with the birth mother.
  • We are selling T-Shirts. :) If you are like me you are almost “T-Shirted out,” but then again you can never have too many! The cost is $15. Please make checks payable to Jessica Satterfield and write Adoption in the Memo line. There will be two color options: Yellow with black writing and a heart or black with yellow writing and no heart.
  • I will also be selling puzzle pieces for $5. Once you purchase a piece, your name will go on the back. We will frame the puzzle and put it in the nursery so our baby will see just how many people loved and prayed for him or her.
  • I started making stamped jewelry to raise money for our adoption. The necklaces are super cute! They are hand stamped and can be customized for your needs! Here are a few examples I have recently made.

You can choose your chain (silver, gold, or copper) and chose how many blanks and charms you would like. A necklace with a blank and two charms is $25. A necklace with additional charms and blanks could go up to, but not more than $35.If you would like to purchase a necklace you can email me at

jessica.satterfield@spartanburg2.k12.sc.us

. Thank you so much for your support as you help us bring our baby home! :)