journey of becoming parents all started two and a half years ago. I wrote this
last summer (2012) during our infertility treatments. As I read through it, I
am reminded of how raw my heart felt. Infertility is something people don’t
really talk about. It is such a painful, lonely journey. It’s hard to explain
to friends who have no trouble getting pregnant, so I wrote on the hardest
days. This was one of my journal entries:
does your heart feel, baby?” My sweet husband asked. “Dead,” I thought, as I
stared at the wilted flowers on the table. These flowers like me, before, so
full of hope and life. Dreams of a full house with little feet pattering down
the hall. Hope for busy summers. Swim lessons here, play dates there, bath
times, good night songs, and kisses every morning with waffle syrup lips.
Singing the “I love you” song and holding that baby until the toy in the floor
won their attention. Seeing my 6 foot 4, 220 pound, precious husband being
wrapped around a tiny little finger and showing the love of Abba to our sweet
children. But mostly, more than anything, hearing that sweet name, Mommy, being
yelled over and over. Mommy.
people say they get tired of hearing that name. “If I hear that name one more
time,” they say, “I might just scream.” Not me. Never. I will never scream. When
I hear Mommy, my heart will fall to its knees in thanksgiving to my precious
Father, the Giver of all good things. When I hear Mommy, I will remember every
“not pregnant” test I saw in agony. When I hear Mommy, God’s faithfulness, will
have a brand new meaning. When I hear Mommy, this particular season of testing
and trial will be over.
I sat there, staring at those flowers, trying to make it through then next
minute all I could bring myself to do was breathe. In and out. In and out. In
real slow, and out. That’s the amount of grace I was praying for that day. That’s
not too much to ask, right?
day started with a text from a dear friend that read, “For the eyes of the Lord
are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayers. 1 Peter
3:12.” I was supposed to find out two days later if our third and last IUI cycle
and 16 months of trying for a baby was coming to an end. I got a
call from a sweet friend earlier that day, because she was pregnant and didn’t
know how she was going to bring herself to tell me. One month off birth control
and that was God’s plan for her and her husband. She was so precious to be so
caring and sensitive of my heart, but I was devastated that my best friends felt
they had to cry and feel guilty when they told me they were pregnant. This is
supposed to be a happy phone call! One of tears and excitement! But because
they walked through this long, difficult journey with me, they knew it was hard
on both ends.
I was strong. Grabbing onto the very last strands of strength I could find,
from a very sincere heart, I told her how happy I was for her. Thankful for the
blessing of God in their lives. I was excited to walk this journey with her. In
the middle of the phone call, I realized this was not the month. “This journey
was not over,” as my precious nurse, Lynn, at the infertility clinic always said and
made me repeat after her. But this was her time. I begged her not to be sad, but
to be excited about what God was doing in her family. Reminded her that God is
so good and we can trust Him. Encouraged her to not be mad at Him, as she said
she was, because we have prayed and waited so long, but told her His plan is the
best. And one day we could have play dates! After I hung up the phone, I feel
to my knees, sobbing, begging my heart to believe every word I just told her.
all started so long ago. When I was a little girl and played mommy everyday as
far as I can remember. I babysat, worked in day care, and even got my degree in
education (and am working on my Master’s) because I knew I was called to be a
wife and mommy.
wife dream came true on July 4, 2007 when I saw my prince playing football in a
field at our church’s college barbeque. I told my friend and mentor, Amy, that
night I was going to marry him. And I did. J He pursued me relentlessly. The epitome of a gentleman. He was so
incredibly attractive: tall, broad shouldered, tan, and athletic. Literally, my
dream man! (And he still is!) Really….he is so stinkin hott! He was everything I
had ever dreamed and more.
finally gave in to Brandon’s pursuit and trusting the Lord fell so hard for
him. I waited my whole life for him. I wrote letters to him since the sixth
grade. Of course not knowing who he was, but declaring my love for him and
writing of my pursuit of holiness through purity.
I will never forget the phone call I made to my mom in shambles sitting in my car
outside my dorm. I felt I would never find a man who loved the Lord so deeply
and could lead our family to display the Gospel. My mom quickly reminded me of
Mary, Jesus’ Mommy. “What do you think people thought about Mary? I bet she
felt like she was weird obeying God being pregnant carrying His son, when
everyone around her just saw her “sin.” Look what God did with Mary, Jessica.
She carried God’s Son, His gift of grace to the world forever. He used Mary. I
don’t know what God has for you, but all I know is that it is great. He has the
best for you Jessica, you just wait and see.”
wasn’t a month later I saw Brandon at that barbeque. After just celebrating our
fourth wedding anniversary, I can’t help but think back on our story and be
reminded of God’s faithfulness. His relentless pursuit of me. Giving me good
when I didn’t deserve it. Showing me love when it was so hard to trust. Healing
my scars from my childhood and mending my idea of “daddy.” When I look at
Brandon now, I still can’t grasp the depth of my Daddy’s love for me. He gives
His children really good things. My beloved, Brandon, is a really good thing.
deep in my heart, I knew that day he wasn’t done giving me good things. I would
hear that precious name, not yet, but one day…… Mommy.”