Still Waiting.

Wow! It has been a while! Much has happened since I wrote
last. I’ll try to catch you up…

We finished our homestudy! Let me tell you…my house has
NEVER been so clean! I am very particular about my house anyway, but knowing someone
was coming in to, in my mind “evaluate” it, made me even more anal. All my
adoption mommies told me it wasn’t a big deal! “Don’t freak out!” But of course
I did! It looked fabulous! Every nook and cranny was completely spotless. My
grandma, who is incredibly anal, would even have eaten off my floor.

And my sweet momma spent half a day installing
those cabinet safety lock things. Needless to say, our worker came, barely peeked
into each room, and said, “It looks great!” I was like, “Are you for real? This
is it?” Of course the main objective is to evaluate a couple’s readiness for a
child, not necessarily to inspect their home, although this is important. 🙂

The homestudy consisted of three separate meetings. The
first, at our home, this meeting was the one where she looked around, asked us
questions about our schedules, home logistics, and financials. The second
meeting required an individual, separate sit down “interview” with Brandon and
me discussing our childhoods and families. The last meeting was in our home
discussing our adoption preferences. It is so unnerving to sit down with a
complete stranger sharing your personal business. And let me tell you, all of
it gets aired out. It is especially uncomfortable when I felt that all of this
that was shared in some way could have hindered our only chance of having a

Not that Brandon and I have ever had anything to hide, but
the fact of opening up our lives, bank accounts, and hearts in order for
someone to evaluate if we were good enough for something we want more than
anything is just plain uncomfortable. Now, our worker assured us that this was
not the case. Let me be clear, she was precious, and we love her. However,
imagine all your stuff just being laid out in the open for you to be approved
or disapproved to have a child.

I know many people who have been through homestudies do not
feel this way. Brandon didn’t feel this way, it was nothing but a thing for him.
But I have always struggled for approval and even now sometimes find my
identity in my performance. If I’m the best at this, or work hard enough at
that…it is a constant battle for me. And the Lord has so kindly used many
people in my life to remind me of my pride requiring my efforts to perform. He
has brought this heart so far. Even though this was a required step along this
adoption process, I found Jesus speaking quietly to my fears assuring me that
He was enough, more than enough, to cover my imperfections (the answer I could
have expanded upon, or the picture frame that was off center, ect.). And there
is still nothing I can do good enough that can earn His favor or love. I can
rest in what He has done, and can find my identity all curled up in His. What a
great little reminder He allowed for me! Needless to say, we passed! We are an
approved waiting family!

We officially went on the waiting family list, August 19


In the meantime, I have completed my Master’s degree in Curriculum and Instruction
with an Emphasis on Literacy!!!! I am so excited to finish! I learned so much, I
feel my writing tremendously improved, and I have lots of new strategies to use
in teaching my sweet little firsties.

Brandon is in the middle of his semester. He
is working a lot at the hospital and has one more semester until he graduates!

Just recently, I have really had a hard time waiting. For a
while after we were approved, I was so busy with school starting, and finishing
up my Master’s, the time flew by. Now, it seems that every single time I see a
little one with their family or hear my friends talk about their children, my
heart aches for our little one. Brandon even told me this week he watched a
daddy put his babies in the car, and his eyes got something in them. 🙂

 Some days I’ll ask him,
“Are we EVER going to be parents? Is this really going to happen?” His answer
is always the same and I KNOW that, it’s just hard. I forget who said it, and I’m
not even sure this is how it goes, but some important guy said something like
this, “Sometimes God’s not yet, is not yet. It is coming.” You can pray
for our hearts to hold fast, that we would live in today and be intentional
with who and what God has entrusted to us right now in our lives.

We haven’t had any “calls,” but it hasn’t been completely
quiet either. We have had four situations thus far where things have started to
be in the works or could potentially be something exciting, but haven’t. However,
we have had four opportunities to pray for birthmoms, families, and babies that
we otherwise wouldn’t. After I get over myself, I am humbled at the chance to
have a tiny investment in these precious lives. Although they are only prayers,
I have approached the throne boldly for each of them.

We were talking with good friends this weekend
about how everything was going. And even as we were telling them about
everything I was reminded that this is not about us. Is God working in our
lives for our good? Yes. Has He used this to shape and form our hearts to be
more like His? I hope so. Will we get a baby? Yes. Hopefully soon. But even in
all of this good God work, it still isn’t about us. This is a story He is
writing that is so much greater than Brandon and Jessica bringing baby
Satterfield home. This is a story of His goodness and relentless pursuit of
Baby 1 and her mom and family, Baby A and her mom and family, Baby Z and his
family, and Baby G and his mom and family. Who knows? Maybe one of these babies
we have prayed for is destined to be a missionary in the bush in Africa. Or
maybe one of these birthmoms will be the next Beth Moore sharing her story of
redemption. Maybe one of these families will start an orphan movement in their
church or community. This story is so much greater than us. God gives us
the opportunity to be involved in His Kingdom story, one of grace and redemption,
of resting in His work, of being enough even in the most broken, darkest places
of hearts.

So, even though nothing seems to have changed in our story.
It has. He is still working. In our hearts, and in hearts around us. And
somewhere today there is a little baby that is maybe growing even now in a safe,
dark place that has the last name Satterfield. And while we are waiting, and
praying for other little babies that cross our paths, we are praying for that
sweet little soul to find its way to us.