Well, Monday (November 4th) we got “the call!”
You’ll need some backstory before it all makes sense…

 The previous Friday
we got an email about a possible baby that was due this week. We prayed about
what to do, and we responded saying that we were interested in that child. I
was cleaning that Saturday and stood in the nursery and envisioned having a
baby in it. This is a very normal occurrence, but I realized that although we
had the major things, we had no more than a few diapers, two bottles, and some
wipes. If we were going to get a baby soon, we were going to need more! I
shared my concerns with Brandon and we decided to go register! It was so much
fun! We had a blast! Of course he was the one holding the scanner and after we
finished, I realized there were many buckets of those completely unnatural
cheese balls that I didn’t remember seeing him scan. Reminded me of when we
registered for our wedding. I guess it’s a man thing.

We started seriously thinking about what our life would look
like with our baby beloved in the very near future and started discussing our
leaves from work and logistics of the coming weeks. Not only were we thinking
of this November baby, but we also had responded to an email a few weeks back
about a baby girl due the first of January. I remember that day well. I woke up
with this “feeling.” As I started my commute to Spartanburg that Friday
morning, I was extra excited and told God I felt He had something for us that
day. I got to school and emailed my friend, Emily. In the email I just simply
stated that I thought we would get a call or email that day. She asked me if
there was a particular reason I felt that way, and I told her, and I quote, “I
just feel it in my bones. Bahahaha!” (It was around Halloween. Get it?) Sure enough
that afternoon I was sitting at my desk and the little email ding happened! I
stood up and started screaming to the teachers in my room, “I KNEW it! It TOLD
y’all!” Complete with the southern twang of course!

I read the email that seemed like a good situation. There
could possibly be some legal risks involved but in my heart I just had this
feeling. I immediately called Brandon and read it to him. I remember telling
him how I wanted to just hug this particular birthmom, and wanted our baby to
come from that particular situation. We briefly prayed about it (the quick
prayerful decisions should be a WHOLE different post!) and he told me to
respond back. So I did. After this day we thought about it often, but knew that
she still had a while to go and there wasn’t a rush in her decision.

Monday, November 4th was the cut off day for the
November baby. I was watching my email like a hawk and decided to inform my
principal. I did this often. The conversation would go something like this…. I
would swing by her office and tell her we have “our name in” for these babies
at this time, just want you to be aware… it could possibly be this week, or
January. Not really sure. Just want you to know. How would you like me to
prepare? She is GREAT! She reminded me that my team would help me if it was
immediate and she told me not to worry about school, but the most important
thing was that we could possibly get our baby soon. She told me to go ahead and
draft a letter to our Super Intendant stating the time I would like to take off
and the uncertainty of the situation.

As I started to draft the letter I text Brandon and asked
him if he thought I should take 9 or 12 weeks off. He responded back, “We got
picked.” I thought he was asking me if we got picked for the November baby and
I told him, “no, I mean when we do get picked, how much time do you want me to
take off.” And he responded back “No, we got picked! For the January baby!” My
heart started racing, and I asked him if he was kidding and if he was it wasn’t
funny. Then he told me he just got off the phone with our worker. I immediately
called him and he told me that out of 11 couples, the birthmom for the January
baby GIRL picked US! I was jumping, screaming, crying, laughing, dancing, and
yelling in the BATHROOM at school! I cannot tell you all the emotions that I
felt! We were so overjoyed!

The rest of that day I was on a cloud. I don’t remember
anything else about it except this conversation at recess and then me smiling
the whole day. Tanya and I had recess duty, and she said, “Jessica, this is the
baby you had the feeling about. Remember? We said how sweet it would be if this
was the baby, you already connected with her.” We both started crying and
remembered how precious the Father is. His workings are just so beautiful.

The next few days have been a blur. My emotions are OUT OF
CONTROL. Literally I go from being so excited that we could have a baby in a
few weeks to, oh my gosh, what if she decides to parent. You will have to read
this post after the fact, because everything is too uncertain. We are trying so
hard not to tell people that we got picked and could possibly have a baby in
seven weeks. I am trying to refrain from buying every pink thing that catches
my eye. I have stalked monogramed EVERYTHING on Etsy this week and my Pinterest
boards have blown up everything girl. Literally there needs to be medication at
this point in an adoption, because the emotional rollercoaster is too much for
my heart!

So this will happen in ONE of two ways… either we will be
super excited, get our hopes set on this baby and develop a sweet relationship
with our birthmom, get to the hospital, meet our baby, and then she will decide
to parent. We will go home with an empty car seat, broken hearts, and will have
to break the hearts of our close friends and family that we have told. OR we
will be super excited, get our hopes on this baby, develop a sweet relationship
with OUR birthmom, get to the hospital, meet OUR baby and then she will give us
the biggest blessing and gift of our life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please tell me

So far the only strategy that is working is to have empty
hands. I will literally lay my hands flat before the Father and tell Him she is
yours. She will always be yours. She has always been yours. She does not belong
to me. Even if it is for the two months we have her (or the hope for her), or
for the rest of her precious little life. She does not, will not belong to me.
She is yours. This works, for about five peaceful minutes or less. And then the
cycle starts again. Can I say EXHAUSTING?! You know I always say I love needing
Jesus? Well every single second I am needing
Him to love on me, to remind me that the work He did here was messy, it hurts a
lot, it’s never wrapped up in a bow, and it definitely is NOT fun at times.

BUT, what He offers me is so much better than “normal.” I
just told my momma this morning that I would much rather have messy than
normal. Normal is sweet, it’s easy, it seems to come natural. But let’s be
honest, it’s boring. Not really exciting, nothing extra cool, definitely not an
adventure! Normal to me, tells a story of what people can do. Messy tells a
story of something that is greater than anything we can ask or imagine, it’s
something greater than our biggest dreams, it’s a story of something
extraordinary that only a true Hero can do. So I’m learning that messy is
better! Do I like messy? NOOOOO!!!!! Do I want messy in my life so I can go on
this adventure with a real, true Hero? YES!!!!! I’ve been deciding this whole
week if I was going to jump. Should I jump in this and love this birthmom and
this baby girl without expecting anything in return? Or should just stand here
and guard my heart just in case. My mom did remind me it’s been broken so many
times. I love my momma and she gives really great advice, but I think I’m ready
to do it.

I’m ready to jump. I’m jumping in this great unknown “where
my feet may fail.” The only way I know I’ll be safe, is because I have a Hero.
A real, true Hero who will always save my day.