On a cold, late December day, something happened to my eyes.
I quickly jumped out of the bed, rushed in a panic to get dressed, threw some
clothes in a bag, and called Brandon (who was at work) on the way. Right before
I left our first little home, I took a good look around and thought about all
the memories we made there together.
For some reason, I thought Dunkin Donuts could make my
coffee faster than my Keurig at home. I pulled through the drive through to pay
for my very large cup of coffee and proudly told the lady, “I’m going to become
a mommy today!” I was so excited, I left her with the change and sped off to
Brandon met me there. We prayed and relished in our last
moment of just “us.” Then we made our way upstairs. Selah’s birthmom was in
active labor and we got there just in time for the epidural.
I have never seen anyone so brave. She didn’t even flinch
for the epidural, and made labor look like a piece of cake! Seriously! I
watched a few birthing videos in preparation because I don’t do so well with
medical things, and she made those ladies look silly. She literally slept
through the whole labor. We had to wake her when the nurse wanted to check her.
Before the birth, we created somewhat of a plan of how she
wanted the experience to be. I love plans and especially in such a sensitive
situation, a plan was good regarding expectations for both her and us. The plan
was that I would be in the delivery room and Brandon would wait outside. This
could all change at any moment and she was in control of those changes. We made
it very clear to her that the hospital was all about her. We would be there to
support her, but it would be on her terms.
I was so humbled that she allowed me to be with her
throughout the whole labor. When she was around 8 centimeters, she asked me to
get Brandon because she had to talk with him about something. I walked into a
waiting room full of our family and close friends grabbed Brandon and headed
She told Brandon that she knew he was nervous about being in
the delivery room, but that this was his daughter. And he needed to see his
daughter come into this world. With no hesitation, and a few tears he agreed
grabbing the camera.
It seemed very soon after that, the nurse came back into the
room and told us it was, “baby time!” My heart started racing, and my eyes bounced
from our birthmom to Brandon. She was so calm, so brave. Her loving heart for
this child shone so bright her face looked radiant. Here she is, the one
having the baby, and she was worrying about us, making sure we were okay! I
cannot tell you our love for this woman! Brandon was holding down his position
near her head with the camera around his neck, glistening eyes, and the biggest
smile I’ve ever seen.
It was all a blur. But I consciously took everything in.
Nurses and doctors came from doors we didn’t even know where in the room. There
was blue sterile paper laying everywhere. Machines were going off from every
direction and they were all hustling around anticipating this new little life. I
gave Brandon a look of, “This is it. Our lives are about to change.” I grabbed
her foot and within literally seconds my eyes saw a beautiful, miracle baby
come into this world.
We spent the rest of the night and most of the next day
spending time with Selah’s birthmom and being very new parents to our little
blessing. After all paperwork was signed, we said our, “See you laters,” and headed
to our little home as a party of three.
So many things have changed since that day! For one, Selah Grace
is six months old! She is the happiest baby ever, has the squishiest cheeks,
and more rolls than you can count. She is a great sleeper, even better eater,
and when she babbles and blows bubbles our whole world stops! We moved out of
our first little home. We love our new house and it is slowly become home.
But these eyes. Theses mommy eyes have seen so much beauty
in the last six months! I have seen a different view of the world. I have seen
more laundry and dirty dishes than ever before. Who knew a little human could
make such a mess? I have seen every hour of the night, more days in yoga pants,
and the isles of Target an oasis when I am alone.
I have seen family members embrace when they didn’t think
they could. I have seen my beautiful husband become the most amazing daddy. And
I have seen my heart love like I never knew I could. It has been beautiful.
But being a mommy has also allowed me to see other things.
Mostly things in me. Like how incredibly selfish I am with “my” time, or how quickly
I can snap at Brandon when I am tired. The list is so long! I had no idea how
ugly parts of my heart were. Mommy eyes bring those things to light so quickly.
I want so badly to be a great mom to Selah. I want her to
see the gospel on display in our home. I want our marriage to be an example of
Jesus and the Church. I want to never hurt her or cause her pain.
No, I haven’t had time to make her baby food from the
vegetables I get from the farmer’s market every Saturday. Although I have made
her some clothes, I haven’t made as many as I thought I should. My house is
messy more days than it is clean. I will never finish laundry. And at the end
of most days, I feel as if in some way I have failed her, Brandon, or them both.
What I’m learning to see is that it is okay. I am definitely
not mom of the year. And I DEFINITELY do not have it together like some moms
seem. The more I try to become a “better” mom, the more I realize what a mess I
am. A total mess.
But isn’t that what I want her to see the most? The gospel
on display? The very reason for the gospel is a big mess. We all were enemies,
worthless, insignificant, and stuck in our mess with no way out. But the Father’s
relentless love sent Jesus, with whom He was well pleased, to rescue us out of
our mess. Now that I am in Christ, I have all He has. I have access to
everything I could possibly need in Him. So now I have the freedom to live and
rest in love.
Selah has allowed me to see so much beauty and good in the
past six months. But more than anything these mommy eyes have seen the
unwavering pursuit of a beautiful Savior to a heart that is prone to wander.
And there is absolutely nothing more beautiful.