Sad.
Just sad. Curl up in the covers sad.
The kind of sad that takes a few days to work through.
You feel me? You’ve been there, I know. King David has been there. Sometimes I hurry myself through sad like this. And sometimes that’s good. But sometimes, I think it’s okay to just be here. Not for long. But long enough to feel.
We had an opportunity that fell in our lap to possibly welcome a new Satterfield in our family. At first we both thought we were crazy. We have a seven month old. We are still learning how to be good parents to her. We definitely want Selah to have siblings, but this was way too soon. However, I followed my husband, with dragging feet, and we both decided to have open hands. I have to admit, his faith was like rock star status. I was not all the way on board, but he humbly led our family to trust the Lord’s perfect plan, whatever that looked like.
After a month of phone calls, wishing, wondering, waiting… it didn’t work out. And I’m honestly surprised that I am this sad. I was the one who wasn’t totally on board, remember? I think it’s deeper though. I am sad that we won’t have a new Satterfield, but that’s okay. We will. When the time is right. But more than anything, I am so sad at the brokenness.
A mom so shackled in addiction there seems to be no way out. A baby herself. Never loved, never disciplined, never hearing of Jesus and His goodness. Out of that, comes sweet children. Spinning around and around in the same cycle.
Can you see Daddy’s face? His love for her runs blood red. His tears fall just like mine. His heart aches deep sadness watching her chase other things, when He knows, He is all she needs.
He isn’t just sad for her. He does this for me too. I am no different. I am not better. Jim Thompson said, “I am just a beggar telling another beggar about The Bread. We don’t make much of the beggar, we make much of The Bread.”
The Bread is good. He is kind. He welcomes the little children. He puts the lonely in families. He is fierce, though. He is a Mighty Warrior and He fights hard to pursue His people.
She is not too far for Him. The sweet children are not alone and abandoned. No. Just the opposite. He is there. He is fighting. He is loving and hugging. He is winning. He is somehow, in His perfection, orchestrating all of these events in their lives for their good, their better, our good, our better, and His glory.
Sometimes it’s okay to feel the sadness of broken. When I realize just how broken we are, I just look up to see the lovely face Who can make all things new.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17