You, precious one, are not alone.
God sees your broken and weary heart. He is here, right now, holding all things together. Quiet your heart, just for a second. He is holding your very existence together, spinning your world, telling the sun when to set and fall, and holding each star in it’s place. And in His grace, knows what you ate for breakfast, your favorite song, how you like your coffee, and the very depths of your aching heart.
Most people would tell you, Waiting Mother, to sleep. Because you will literally never sleep on your schedule again. Seriously. You will walk around like a zombie for the first two months (if you have a good baby). You’ll wash your hair two or three times in the shower because your so tired you won’t remember if you did it. And they say, “sleep when the baby sleeps.” Yeah, right. Only if you don’t want to get a shower that day. Eventually, sleeping in on Saturday, will mean your body (or a little squeal) waking you up at 6:30.
But you won’t care. You’ll run to that nursery. You’ve dreamed of this. What it would be like. How it will feel to be someone’s mommy. You’ve imagined those tiny hands holding onto your finger as you softly sing Jesus’ name. You’ll eventually learn how to function on very little sleep and those baby love snuggles will be even better than caffeine.
Some people would tell you to go on dates with your husband. And I know you say, “That won’t be us. We’ll have a date night once a week.” Well maybe so, if you get to stay at home during the day and you don’t feel guilty leaving your baby with another baby sitter. Or if your willing to pay 10 dollars an hour, plus your actual date, every week.
But you won’t care. It’ll be hard. You will make it work. And when you do get those sacred moments where you just get to be a wife to your husband, you will cherish them more than ever before. And ultimately, he is your first ministry, so you will find a way to make him your priority. It might come with lots of trial and error. More losses than wins, but you’ll make it work. After all, your marriage is the Gospel on display. Your little one, and the world for that matter, is watching.
Other people will tell you to get your nails done, shave your legs, do the laundry, organize, and clean. Really clean. Because you won’t have time to even cut your nails, so you’ll just bite them. Your legs won’t see a razor until your husband starts to complain. The laundry….there just aren’t words. It will NEVER, I mean NEVER be done. Just accept it. And your house won’t ever be clean again. Really clean. You’ll find puffs in your couch, paci’s in random drawers, and green pea splatter on the walls.
But you won’t care. You’ll learn that all those things can wait. Your life, will indeed, go on even with a messy house. You will never have this day with your baby again. You won’t want to miss one gummy smile, slobbery kiss, or squishy hug.
But you do care. You’re not there…yet. Telling you to enjoy your sleep, go on dates, clean, and shave your legs is just ridiculous, and honestly insensitive. Your heart aches.
So while you wait…grow.
All those nights when you are crying out to the Father, begging Him to answer your prayer for a child, you are learning how to need Him. Because you will. Lean into that. Every time your friends tell you they are pregnant, deep in your heart you wonder why it can’t be you. And you run to your Dad, to feel His big, safe arms wrap around you. This is how you will comfort. When you feel like you are the only one in the whole world who isn’t a mommy, you remember the story of a woman named Hannah and the big prayers she prayed for her Samuel. And you’ll pray those same prayers for your promised one.
It hurts. It’s so uncomfortable. The pain is just too much some days. But don’t fight it. Open up your hands and ask Papa to teach you how to wait. Ask Him to help you grow. Savor your desperation for Him. And then watch. Watch Him make your angry, winter heart a beautiful, spring meadow. And while your eyes are on Him, you won’t even notice how He surprises you with your dream.
“Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. And there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope..” Hosea 2:14-15a