“O Lord, my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me.”
I was sitting criss-crossed on top of the doctor table. It’s not a beach trip unless you make a trip to Urgent Care. Can I get an, “Amen?”
Honestly, I was admiring my tan. I’m fair skinned, so it takes a lot of work to get a tan. At first, you need one good tan-burn, as I like to call it, then you’re golden. I was proud of the Essie nail color I picked. The coral against my tan toes just looked like summer. Then, I started feeling so proud that I found time to paint them. The white paper was crinkling under me every time I moved. It’s so annoying. And I was sweating, so it was sticking to my legs. Ugh…
They couldn’t have chosen worse music to play in the room while I was waiting. If I didn’t feel so bad, I would’ve climbed on top of the counter and changed the station. Brandon gets so embarrassed of me sometimes, when thoughts like that pass through my head. Luckily, he wasn’t there.
I’ve never had a UTI before, but I knew that’s what it was. Apparently if you don’t get those things treated pretty fast, they ruin your beach trip. I debated for two days whether I should go. Good thing I did.
So God has been teaching me much about healing lately. And I’m not quite sure why, because none of my prayers for healing have been answered.
But I’m learning with Him, it’s about the process. Not the end. I think the healing happens some time along the way.
Micah is still only
two ounces. And that’s a good feeding. He’s not tongue tied. Believe me, I’ve had three different doctors check. He’s on a different reflux medicine now. A different formula. Different bottles. We literally have tried it all after the hospital visit. We’re getting all the therapy a kid can get. It seems to make him much happier after feedings and in between. But every three hours, I fight that kid to eat.
I swaddle him, put him on his belly over my arm and sway him side to side. The OT said this stimulates his nervous system and allows him to calm down. Oh, and I have to pat his back when I do that. Once we sway for fifteen minutes, then I take the “therapy paci” and orally stimulate his gums. This is supposed to prepare him for the bottle. Once he is orally stimulated, I turn on the sound machine, because any noise distracts him, and makes him loose his suck. You can imagine how challenging this is with an 18 month old sister. I sit with my knees up, turn him on his side, support both his cheek and chin with one hand while the other hand holds the back of his head and pray. PRAY. The entire feeding. Not out loud of course. Too distracting.
This happens EVERY three hours.
Every three hours, I pray for God to heal him. And you’d think I won the lottery when we finish with an empty bottle. Everyone in our house screams and claps and talks in a happy baby voice to him!
It’s not really, but kinda really funny. Can you believe I was actually worried that God wouldn’t teach me as much with Micah as He did with Selah? When we found out about Micah, I thought back to all God taught me through
. He moved mountains to get this girl into our family. Then we got a phone call in September about Micah. Just one phone call. He literally fell into our laps.
means, “Gift from God.” Because that is exactly what he is.
Boy, did He show me. I needed Him throughout Selah’s adoption because it was new and scary and hopeless at times. I literally need Him every three hours with Micah. Sometimes, before a feeding, I text my family and friends and ask them to pray for us. Yall. It’s hard.
But, I am trusting and resting in God’s healing for Micah. One day, he’ll suck bottles down better than the best eatin’ baby in the world. One day, instead of little bird legs, we’re going to be squishing his little rolls. And I told God last night, those rolls will be visible evidence of His faithfulness.
I just knew when the doctor walked in she would have a surprised smile on her face. I knew she’d probably tell me that I had a UTI, but I also knew she’d tell me the impossible.
That I was pregnant.
I prepped my heart for it. The silent conversation I had with God on that crinkly paper with the terrible music was confident and full of worship. I was expecting Him to heal me. I knew He would. I wasn’t overly excited because you don’t get super excited about things you already know.
The door opened, and the doctor sat on her swivel stool. Told me I had a UTI, gave me prescriptions for some medicine, wrote the discharge papers, and left.
And I said, “Not this time, Lord, but one day.”
It is impossible, this healing. My physical healing is absolutely impossible. It will literally be a miracle. There is no way I could get pregnant, or keep a pregnancy.
Throughout this process of heart healing that has happened along the way, I’m not
anymore. He has taken all of those empty parts of my heart and filled them with Him. It has been beautiful.
There were days I couldn’t make it to baby showers, and if I had to go because it was a close friend, I’d always slip out early and cry in my car. One time my mom wouldn’t let me drive home until I calmed down. I would literally ache when I went to Chic-Fil-A. All the moms and their babies enjoying that fried goodness. It hurt.
That’s not me anymore.
Because God is faithful, and I am now that mom. One baby on my hip, the other one on my chest. I’ve had two baby showers. People came to MY baby showers. I get the incredible honor of buckling babies in car seats, carrying diaper bags, wearing spit-up, and looking a little
Somewhere along the way, He healed my heart. And it was long before I was every called, “mommy.”
But this physical healing. As much as I want to forget about it, adopt all the orphan babies in the world, and as many times as I’ve tried desperately to put the flame out, hope still flickers.
That thing will not die. And I believe it’s because God is trying to teach me something.
He’s teaching me something about healing even though He hasn’t answered my prayer.
I’m going out on a limb here, because “what if He doesn’t?” I don’t know. I just know that He’s asked me to pray for healing. I don’t know why. For the life of me, I can’t figure it out. But I am. I am praying for God to do the impossible. Literally, impossible.
And I believe Him.
It’s funny God has been doing all of this in my heart now for almost a year. Just this week, I read this
, and Preston Yancey killed it, “This is how we pray now. Wild. Untethered. Rushing into hope and trust that God is who God says God is.”
It’s scary to pray this way. Real scary. Because what if I’m wrong? What if I’m hearing Him wrong? What if He doesn’t heal me? I don’t know. I tell myself again, I just know that I am supposed to pray for healing.
Pray for my son’s healing. Pray for my healing.
Rachel Ackerman Photography