Beautiful by Pain

Some nights when the
fighting was too loud for me to sleep, a little bird would chirp outside my
window. In the middle of the night. In the dead of winter. And I always knew it
was Him.

Even as a little girl,
I knew Him to be safe. He was safe in the midst of the chaos I grew up in. I
came to know Him when I was only five. Although I only saw tiny glimpses of
Him, I knew He would always be enough.

I was diagnosed with a
heart disease when I was in high school. I had many doctor’s visits, heart
surgeries, and just plain hard days. But even in my physical weakness, I found
Him to be strong. I could rest in Him when my body was so tired. I am still
finding Him to be faithful in the day to day of living with this disease.

But it wasn’t until
that one, lonely pink line showed up month after month.

All of my friends were posting pictures of
swollen bellies. It seemed like every time I checked the mail, I was invited
to, yet another, baby shower. I could not escape the longing to be a mother. It
would find me in the isles of the grocery store, in the middle of a commercial,
or especially, in the silence of the night.

That’s when I really
found Him. In the hard of infertility, He met me there. He met me in the
brokenness of my story, in the empty parts of my heart, and the barrenness of
my womb. I found Him there, in the hardest days of my life. He saw me. And
after hormones of every kind, a year of infertility treatments, and accepting I
would never carry biological children, I realized just as a little girl, He
would always be enough.

I am incredibly honored to be writing over at my friend, Hayley’s blog. Click


, to finish reading. And go ahead and follow her while you’re there. Her heart is beautiful.

*Photo by

Rachel Ackerman