I don’t know if
it’s the crisp wind, the smell of burning leaves, pulling out those leggings
and boots, or the warmth in my hands left over from my pumpkin spice coffee,
but there is something about fall that I just love.
It almost beckons an invitation.
The wind blows and
a few bright colored leaves fall to the ground, inviting me to cozy up on my
couch with a blanket, coffee, and crackling fire. The busyness and freedom of
summer is met with schedule and routine, things I so desperately need. But with
the cool, crisp mornings, fall also brings to me fear.
Every fall, since I
was in the seventh grade, something traumatic has happened in my life. It
sounds silly for me to even write, but it’s the honest truth. Around Labor Day
of each year, it starts calling out to me…
Fear.
My spirit is
unsettled. I have trouble sleeping. I tell my husband a thousand times to be
careful going to and from work. I feel terrified when he leaves and make sure
to kiss him and tell him how much I love him. Because what if something happens
to him? I text my babysitter throughout the day, checking on my children. Are
they safe? Do they seem sick? I ask for protection every time I get in the car.
I fear tomorrow. Because what if that’s the trauma this fall brings?
It sounds silly,
doesn’t it? Um, those things could totally happen in any season of the year. So
why do fall winds bring with them such fear to my spirit? Those traumatic
events that have previously happened do mark my memory and senses associating
them with the fall. But each year, fall also beckons an invitation.
Fall invites me to
be brave.
Because I know, I
struggle with fear in the fall, around August, I ask the Spirit to prepare my
heart. I ask Him to guard my mind, to cover me, armor me with Truth. And each
year it gets better. Each year, I feel more victorious.
This fall, the Lord
has brought to my heart the woman in Proverbs 31.
“Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she
laughs at the time to come.” Proverbs 31:25 ESV
I looked up several
different translations and they each express how she doesn’t fear the future.
She even laughs, thinking of tomorrow…
“…smiles at the future.” NASB
“…laughs at the days to come.” NIV
“…full of joy about the future.” NLV
So how can I become brave and not fear the future?
First of all, my
fear is sin. It is a huge sin issue in which I constantly struggle. If the
opposite of fear, is faith, then faith is what I’m lacking. If I truly believe
that in all things God works together for the good of those who love Him (Rom.
8:28), or that He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together
(Col. 1:17), or He is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hew. 13:8), if I
truly believe Him and what His Word says about Him, there is absolutely no
ground in my heart for fear to claim.
But even more,
let’s just say those terrible fears happen. Does He change? Does that mean He
is no longer good? Does that mean He leaves me alone? As hard as those days
would be to walk through, it doesn’t change Who He is. My Dad. My Lover. My
Best Friend.
Each season that
passes in my life, I have been able to look back from where I journeyed and see
a very faithful, very beautiful God. By the time I am able to start the trek
back up the mountain; the valley below has delivered to me a new side of Him. A
side I would never want to trade for easy.
Are valley seasons
fun? Um. Never. Do they hurt? More than anything. Are they scary? Absolutely.
But that’s where I
have found Him to be the most good. There. In the hard. In the scary.
Like that time I
was told after a lifetime of wanting to be a mommy, that I can never carry
biological children. That was my worst ever fear. And it happened.
And I can never be
more thankful. Because I know Jesus in a way I would have never known Him had I
become pregnant. And I have been given the gift of two, beautiful brown babies
that call me, “mommy” through adoption.
So, ha ha ha, Future!
He was good
yesterday, He’s still good today, and He’ll be good tomorrow! So whatever that
means for me and you, let’s curl up on the couch, with our coffee, crackling
fire, and pumpkins perfectly positioned on the front porch.
And let’s be brave.
Because whatever
happens tomorrow, we’ll have Him. And, dear sister, He is always enough.
*Photo by my fav,
*