Summing up a lifelong journey in a few paragraphs always intimidates me. But if you had to know the common theme laced throughout, it would be no one has ever cared for me like Jesus. His friendship and faithfulness throughout our journey has never waxed or waned with the seasons, instead He’s always been steady and sure, the place I’ll always call home.
“I was a five year old, perfect little Baptist girl, when I got wrecked by the love of an intimate Father.”
Grew up in an abusive home with a dysfunctional family. Only to find what I really longed for and wanted, I already had, Jesus.
Married a close to perfect man, Brandon, whom I’m still madly in love with after all of these years. We thought our life together would look like white picket fences and 4.5 blonde children that looked exactly like us. Until our white picket fences started crumbling around us. And literally everything we thought our life would look like took a completely different landscape throughout ten barren years of infertility, several journeys through adoption, a rigorous fostercare journey, and following Jesus when it cost us everything.
I knew and loved Papa God from far away for most of my life, until the picket fences started crumbling. And I knew the God that was far away either had to be more or I didn’t want anything to do with Him. I was hungry to know the God I read about in the New Testament. The One that still did miracles, the One that held John close to His heart, the One that spent more time with the broken. Hunger lead me deep into His heart.
“I met Holy Spirit for the first time in my life and everything changed.”
The God I knew as far off, suddenly became more close to me than the skin on my bones.
He taught me so much about Himself through my children. Selah was our miracle girl that came home to use after four years of praying to be parents. Micah was our gift, that just came out of nowhere. He’s a miracle too. He was diagnosed with cerebral palsy when he was 11 months old, doctors told us he wouldn’t walk or talk, and yet here he is, a walking, talking, miracle in motion, joy boy, full of life and lots of energy. Zion came home to us through the miracle of fostercare. All three of our children are biological-half siblings. I was used to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and diapers, then in walked a seven year old through my door with Transformers and Legos. For four whole years we got the privilege of being his parents. In May of 2020, Zion had a tragic accident while playing, and went to be with Jesus.
He, more than the rest, is still teaching me through his precious life, what it means to be God’s daughter. Walking through the grief of losing a child is something I never thought would be found in the pages of our story. But unfortunately it is.
“What I’ve learned is that no matter the ruins, no matter the devastation, Papa God always rebuilds.”
After ten long years of believing in the God of miracles I see found in scripture, after countless others have called me crazy, month after devastating month, God resurrected my barren womb and healed my body. A body that once could never carry life, according to doctors, now has. You can never tell me God doesn’t do miracles these days, I’ll never believe you, because I’ve seen too many of them in my own life.
“I know what it feels like to stand amongst the rubble, and I also know what it feels like to watch Him plant beauty among ashes.”
There’s nothing special to see here, just imperfection and brokenness. I’m a person just like you. What I hope you’ll find though, is through the pages of my story, you’ll find hope for yours. And the God I thought all that time ago was so far away, when you hear my journey, I hope you’ll find Him sitting just as close to you.
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