I kept thinking if I waited a little longer, I might have more words. But I’ve learned over the years, that most of the time, words don’t come (at least the right ones) until my fingers hit these keys. One of our pastors said on Sunday, “Vulnerability always comes...
I was seven days late.
It’s only happened twice in my life. The other time was three years ago. The week before our foster son came home.
I woke up every morning, believing the “in due time” had finally come. That after all of these years, it was our turn. I was certainly going to see my belly start swelling in the next few weeks. I had calculated the due date and thought through every way I would tell my husband, family, and dear friends. I had imagined the look on their faces, like the ones standing around Lazarus’s grave.
Even after all the hoping and all the disappointment, I knew this new season our family has stepped in, has looked so different from the old ones. He’s doing a new thing in us, something He’s never done before. And hope never puts us to shame (Romans 5:5), so I wasn’t afraid to hope. Because my hope isn’t in a miracle, it’s a person, my Jesus.
This was the third test I took that week. All the other ones said the same results. But I wasn’t going to believe it wasn’t true, until I knew. And I knew on day eight.
Right before we looked at the test, Brandon said to me, “You know this doesn’t change a word out of God’s mouth about this.” And I knew that. Still do.
This weekend, The Garden’s Leadership Team got away for our second annual retreat.
I’m still finding words for all Father did over the weekend. He told me specific things He was going to do in each heart and how He was going to move us as a team deeper into His. Just like always, He did exactly what I felt Him say He would do. I believe our team walked away marked by the love of God in a way we never have before.
We put the crib up in faith.
I bought another Solly wrap. And wall art. My mom found the most beautiful dresser. And I started dreaming over this room, just like I had for my other two.
After all these years of negative pregnancy tests, we still believe we’ll see the manifestation of healing in my body. That one day, I’ll finally see a positive test and watch as my belly grows with miracles. We believe this because we know God is good. We know His Father’s heart is healing and wholeness for His children.
Two summers ago, instead of decorating a nursery in this room, I was filling it with transformers and legos. I studied the early and latter rains that summer. And knew that our foster son was the early rains for our family. God isn’t finished writing our story. The latter rains are coming.
2018 was so beautiful.
We started 2018 with a deep sadness. So much disappointment was felt in 2017 and our foster son that had been with us for six months left very abruptly. But we welcomed 2018 with full hearts, expectant of all God had for us. We heard Him say this year would be a year of harvest. And we definitely saw that. It was beautiful. We saw the first fruits of all the good seed we have been sowing for so many years. It was a year I’ll deeply cherish.
She turned five today. Five.
Five whole years loving a miracle. Five whole years of so much joy. Five whole years of being a mama.
Five feels hard. I say this every year, but for real. She might as well be driving. Hold me, Jesus. She’ll go to KINDERGARTEN next year. I can’t take it.