Go ahead. Tell me all the reasons I should make them. I know, I know. But just hear me out.
Here’s the deal. I used to be a perfectionist until God set me free. I used to find pieces of my identity in what I could accomplish, what I could create, what I could produce. I would strive and work and strive and work. I would make unattainable goals and when I would happen not to accomplish them, feel like a total failure.
I was either finding my identity in the working towards the goals or the failure of not attaining them. Always feeling unsatisfied, and honestly really, really tired.
And then I started having revelation on my true identity, who God says I already am.
2018 was so beautiful.
We started 2018 with a deep sadness. So much disappointment was felt in 2017 and our foster son that had been with us for six months left very abruptly. But we welcomed 2018 with full hearts, expectant of all God had for us. We heard Him say this year would be a year of harvest. And we definitely saw that. It was beautiful. We saw the first fruits of all the good seed we have been sowing for so many years. It was a year I’ll deeply cherish.
The calendar turned to a new year. December faded beautifully away. Only to welcome the bitter cold, January mornings when the light slips through the clouds to find it’s way through my living room window. With it’s newness, January brings with it a routine and chance to change. While my blank journal is calling out to me to fill it with new words, new dreams, new prayers, the same longings still scream out from my soul.
While this year ahead is laced in hope and promise, I’m still offering the same sacrifice of praise. Before the calendar page flipped, I found myself several weeks ago so broken before the Lord. On this particular day, my soul just ached. I couldn’t quite put my finger on the cause, but my eyes filled up with tears throughout that day. I was attending a conference with a few friends that night and although wasn’t expecting it, I knew Father was up to something.
I am terrible at New Year’s resolutions.
By mid-March, I have always stopped what I started, or started what I wanted to stop. So last year I finally decided not to make resolutions because having one more thing to do just wasn’t what I needed. Micah was really sick. He had just had surgery to have the GJ tube, that we prayed he wouldn’t need. I was literally trying to survive. So adding more expectations on myself seemed exhausting.