I have two beautiful children. They are both answers to hundreds of prayers. I remember watching mamas put their babies in car seats at the grocery store and wishing so much that one day I would get to do that simple thing. My kids at school would sometimes slip up and call me “Mama.” They would cover their mouth real fast and with a wide grin, say, “I mean, Mrs. Satterfield.” But hearing someone call me “Mama” was a longing that stretched to the depth of my heart. Now, every morning I wake to that sweet calling. That name echoes through the baby monitor that sits on my nightstand.
Their stories, the way my children came home to us, are nothing short of miracles. The very same night we decided to start our adoption journey, a man from our church whom we had never met, gave us a check for 10,000 dollars. This was one of the many miracles that brought them home. I still tear up thinking about how God calmed every one of our fears and supplied all of our needs. He sets the lonely in families and when He does, years of brokenness fade into beauty.
He has answered my prayer to be a mama in the most beautiful story. I love all of the parts. I can’t imagine our family without those two precious ones sleeping upstairs. This what I’m about to tell you isn’t about them. It’s about another prayer that I’ve prayed for years, that God still hasn’t answered.
I’m still waiting for healing.
In some sense, until He makes all things new again, we’ll always be waiting on some type of healing. But I believe that we are living now in His Kingdom. Through Jesus, we have complete access to the Father. And the Father has given us the Spirit to reveal to us His heart.
So I’ve prayed for many years that God would heal me. My body is broken. I was created to carry children, to multiply and fill the earth. And I can’t. I’m reminded at the end of every month. I’m reminded with sharp pains every day and medicine I wish I didn’t have to take. I often see a lot of different doctors just so I can enjoy my babies and have a loving relationship with my husband.
And I’m not going to lie, I’ve got baby fever. When that happens and you can’t have biological children, we don’t just talk about “coming off of the pill.” We talk about how much money we have in savings, because growing our family through adoption isn’t cheap. We talk about home studies and paperwork and agencies and lawyers. It’s not a nine month deal. It’s starting a whole new journey. It’s beautiful, don’t get me wrong, but it’s definitely a labor of love.
But the problem isn’t with having or not having a baby. It’s that I have come to my Father, as His beloved daughter, asking Him to heal me. And He hasn’t. For years, I couldn’t get past this. Instead of leaning in closer to Him, I pushed Him away. I missed out on intimacy with Him that was more satisfying than Him giving me what I wanted. That didn’t stop Him from pursuing me. He kept finding ways to woo my heart back to His. One day, I saw a glimpse of His worth and knew that He was enough for me, whether He answered my prayer or not.
And I have found Him still, to be enough.
But I still find myself, like the sick lady in the New Testament, frantically making my way through the crowds, desperate just to touch the hem of His robe. And I think it’s because I’ve seen Him perform miracles. I’ve seen first hand just how capable He is of taking ashes and turning them into beauty. That’s what He does. It’s Who He is.
I honestly don’t know if He will decide to heal me. Maybe it’s right here in this waiting, where He will be most glorified. And if that is so, I will wait right here for a hundred more years, leaning into Him, pressing in close to His chest, and needing Him in my weakness. Because my soul’s deepest desire is for Him to be praised.
But I won’t stop asking. Because He hasn’t told me to stop yet. So I’ll just be here, waiting for healing, believing with every ounce of my being He can and He will.
Do you remember that story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abenego? They wouldn’t bow down to King Nebuchadnezzar because they served the One True King. He was going to throw them in the fiery furnace to be consumed by the flames. And they said,
“O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter. If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.” Daniel 3:16-18 ESV
He is able.
You might be like me and you’re asking God to heal your womb or you’re waiting for a different physical healing. You might be waiting for Him to heal your baby, I’m doing the same. Or maybe, you’ve prayed for years for your daddy to know Jesus. Maybe your mom is really sick and you’re tired of seeing her suffer. Maybe your marriage is right on the edge of disaster. Maybe you have abuse in your past and healing just seems out of reach. I don’t know what you’re waiting in or how long you’ve been there. But what I want you to know is that He is your Father and He lovingly hears every whisper of your heart. And He is more than able.
But if not.
If He chooses not to deliver us. He is still good and He is so worth jumping into the fire to be consumed. He is enough to satisfy every longing of your heart. Lean in. Don’t push away. I dare you. I dare you to press into Him. You’ll find that spot right against His chest to be everything you ever need.
So come wait with me.
I’ll just be right here. Waiting for healing. Pressing through the crowds, inching my way closer to His heart, believing so much that all I need is to graze against His garment.
“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”
Psalm 27:13 ESV
Photos by Rachel Ackerman Photography.
***Also, I stamped myself a bracelet as a beautiful reminder for this very thing. It says “and if not you are still good.” You can check it out here in my Etsy shop if it would be a good reminder to you too, friend.***