I glanced down at my shoes when the conversation changed to pregnancy.
I reached over and wrapped my arm around Selah, hugging the very manifestation to a promise. Reminding myself of His faithfulness once before through her story, choosing hope. Again. Knowing that He is man true to His word, what He has promised He will do. That one day, it will be me sharing about a miracle pregnancy.
Baby showers still sting. Really bad. And that annoys me.
Because so much healing has happened in my heart. All of these years have passed, us still waiting on this miracle, and my heart looks very different from when we began this journey. I know Him more than I ever have before. He is more to me the Gift, the promise, the blessing, than ever. It’s Him I want.
So why did my heart still ache today?
I spoke at a women’s retreat a few weekends ago. I closed my Bible, gathered my things, and walked out of the room. As soon as I closed the door behind me, those same, familiar lies began accusing me. “They’ve already heard that. They could’ve taught that session much better than you. She didn’t say one word to you after. That one, she thinks you’re weird.”
I knew that wasn’t the voice of my Father. I know His voice, and it sounds nothing like that. “Papa, I’m searching for approval, again. I don’t need their approval. Yours is the only approval I want and need. I have Your approval. I had Your approval before I even started speaking. I KNOW this. We’ve been through this. I learned that lesson, remember?”
So why was my heart still searching for something I have already found?
It feels like sometimes we move backwards, doesn’t it? Like we keep learning the same things over and over. Sometimes we do. Sometimes we need to. We can’t move forward until we do learn.
But sometimes it’s the same lesson but we’re learning it in a different place.
I’m not who I used to be. I’m not that insecure orphan anymore. I know who I am. I know what He says about me. So it feels really frustrating that here I am, light years deeper into His heart, yet having these familiar feelings.
Does that mean I’ve gone backwards? That I’ve haven’t gained the ground I thought I have?
He reminded me of that passage I read last week,
“The Lord is my best friend and my shepherd. I always have more than enough. He offers a resting place for me in his luxurious love. His tracks take me to an oasis of peace, the quiet brook of bliss. That’s where he restores and revives my life. He opens before me pathways to God’s pleasure and leads me along in his footsteps of righteousness.” Psalm 23:1-3
I learned last week that the shepherd leads the sheep up the mountain, circling around it. Going straight up would be too steep. But if they circle around the mountain, it keeps the sheep safe and together.
I haven’t lost ground because baby showers still sting or I still have to remind myself that His eyes are the only ones I need. I’m just journeying higher. Approval at this height on the hill, looks different than it did way down there. Choosing hope still, seven years into this waiting for this miracle, looks much different than it did all those years ago.
Even though it seems as if we go in circles sometimes, we’re really going higher, ascending the holy hill like in Psalm 24.
We go from glory to glory, higher and higher.